Reflections
by seddiefan11
Summary: Ava Reflects over the Men she's cared about during her time in Port Charles after seeing Nikolas and checking into Shadybrook. Short Oneshot. Past tense Amor/Grava/Ryava Present Tense Nava.


I wake up and instantly feel the sheet underneath me is different than mine, my hands trailing to the top of the sheet laying on top of my to feel it too is different. I open my eyes and look down, memories rushing in as quickly and painfully as the bright light. I stay still and close my eyes again. Maybe if my mind could make up the image Nikolas, I could reopen my eyes and see my room.

I open them once more to be greeted by the boring and bleak feeling the room carried. I close them again but this time to keep them closed. Albert Einstein was known for saying "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results" and i was trying to keep myself as far away from insanity as possible.

Keeping them closed was probably for the best. If i saw Nikolas who knows who else i could see. There were more people i would hate to see then like to see, and even Kiki who i'd love to see most would only leave me feeling awful with her words.

As much as she was wondering why she saw Nikolas she was starting to really question why she saw _Nikolas._ Why him? Why now? Maybe her subconscious is trying to bring forth people she's cared for because she needs caring for. As much as I hate to admit it from the drinking, to the drastic things i've been doing with psychics, and playing right into Ryan's hands I really do need help.

If I am bound to see the people I care for then why not family? Someone obvious like Julian, Kiki, even little Avery would help me feel better, if I know that my subconscious certainly should. It has to be people I care for romantically that my mind is pushing out. I haven't cared for too many people, but even less than I've cared for have cared for me.

Morgan comes to mind first. Maybe it was due to the fact i was in a mental facility or maybe it's because he was the first person I cared for in Port Charles. Thinking of Morgan is hard, mainly because I don't know what to think about him. He was almost like two different people to me. The Morgan I loved was sweet, loving, and passionate. Julian called him my boy toy, but sadly I had let myself fall for him. I always wonder how much different everything would be if he was just a boy in my bed and not someone I felt drawn to.

I don't think i regret being with Morgan, for Avery alone I would do it all again but I do regret ever going back. I'd never expected to have someone tell someone where they can go to kill me, let alone the sweet man i'd fallen in love with. That was the moment he became the Morgan I couldn't recognize.

After that it took awhile for me to find someone, probably from lack of trying on my part. Griffin came to me however so I didn't even have to go looking. I didn't mean to fall for him or any younger guy after Morgan but he was just so sweet and one of the only humans I'd allow see me after the burns. He didn't reciprocate for a while but when he finally did it I don't think it was ever enough. It didn't even matter that I had my face back.

I'm not sure Griffin ever felt the same about me as I did him. Maybe I was just a part of his faith, maybe loving the deformed girl was the selfless Christian thing to do, and he jumped at that. All I really know is that I will never blame myself for him cheating. I know I wasn't enough, I wasn't pure enough for him, but I was being my damn best and he didn't care.

I cringe as Ryan enters my brain. Sometimes I don't even know what to think about him. It seems so simple yet so complicated to me. I should have known Kevin wouldn't love me, I was just so wrapped up in being loved again it slipped my mind completely. I think more about how he took Kiki from me then our entire relationship, I don't like thinking about us so it's probably best that way. I'm glad however because there was a time where all I could do was analyze every moment of our relationship and hate myself for it and that can't be any healthier than anything else everyone was telling me was wrong.

Then it all comes back to Nikolas. He's consumed me since I saw him-no, since I thought I saw him. Thinking of the other men have been the only break from questions and memories about those few moments I was thinking I was with him, that he was alive and came to me. I should have known it was fake right there and then. Why would he come to me?

Sure, we had good moments. I grew to care for him very much, very quickly. He cared for me too, he had to, he died protecting me. Either that or he is truly the most noble prince. He told me so many things about him that make me think otherwise about how generous he was, but maybe I'm just delusional for thinking he could care about me. He's special to me, even years later, even after just a few weeks. But he's gone and I'm left here thinking about a man I'll never see again or know if he cares about the way I do. Regardless, if I had to have a mental breakdown I'm glad it was him. My almost prince.


End file.
